Buzzing with energy.
Craving more hours in the day.
Unsatiated by everything happening around me
And everything stirring within me.
I think in poems.
Internal soundtracks orchestrate my every task.
I dance every moment it’s appropriate and long to all the rest of the time.
I sing, I dance, I paint, I write, I play, I weep, I love,
This is how I feel. I started to write this blog and it came out as a poem. I cannot stop! It’s like a fire has been lit inside of me and I am remembering myself. Don’t get me wrong, my fire was not out, just smoldering in the embers as my soul was waiting to be reborn like the phoenix!
I’m working a temp job at the United Nations now. I am enjoying it. But I realize that, as an actor, I am always just sampling life. What would it be like if I worked in hospitality at the UN? That guy is a REAL boss! This is what happens behind the scenes.
I am thankful–I live it, feel it, experience it completely. But, at the end of the day, I am not a doctor, I just want to play one on TV! Because in the office, there is jazz music playing and I find it nearly impossible not to sing and dance to it. I constantly have to stifle the urge to run and spin and leap as I walk down long corridors. And that’s because I’m actually an artist, not a sales associate in the hospitality world.
This Yogic Journey I have been on for several years, has taught me so much. Little by little, some sinks in, some doesn’t. I feel lots of change, and then take two steps back. Sometimes I’ve had to withdrawal altogether as I contemplate everything I’m learning. Day after day of this journey, I have felt the change, the pain, the beauty, the bliss, but I seem to be experiencing it now more than ever.
At the end of meditation last night at World Yoga Center, I shared my experience, saying I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude because I am present enough to feel the changes happening within me. I have begun to feel how every muscle is working as I move through yoga asana. I feel the energy is never stagnant, but constantly stretching to find its limit for that day. In a few more days or weeks, I will be able to do headstand in the middle of room for the first time in my life. It’s almost there, it’s coming. (And that’s not all that’s coming. I feel so many things on my artist horizon emerging.) Rudrani, my teacher, looked at me and said, You know it’s because something is unfolding inside you. I shook my head. I know. And because you’ve committed to your practice. It is possible for us to live in happiness. We must learn to live in the paradox, knowing that we are infinite beings living transient lives. Sometimes I have to just laugh at the succinct wisdom that spills from her mouth.
She’s very funny, too. I’ll tell you the first thing my sweet 74yr old guru said when she saw me for class that night. You look so sexy. Those lucky boys…If only they knew. Hysterical.
So I’m singing everyday, remembering I’m a singer. (And a damn good one, too.) I’m singing because I love it, I’m dancing because I love it. This IS all about me but NOT about my ego. The fact that I am an artist is NOT defined by whether or not I share my work, or perform it for a certain amount of people, or receive a paycheck. It is a part of my identity. But again, not in a way that is egoic–it’s not a label that defines me, but rather it grows out of my true identity. Our creativity comes from our higher selves. Creativity, love, these are a part of our source. They are pure, holy, perfect.
When we start connecting to our infinite self, we begin to expand. Perhaps your artistic self starts to come out. Perhaps you feel alive with happiness, energy, bliss. Perhaps you look forward to coming home to yourself in meditation. (Loving it like you love ice cream, as Rudrani says!) No matter how it happens, feel the unfolding within yourself. Take heart, and with courage know that… it’s all coming.
Namaste’ my loves,